Another panicked 2 years later

It's amazing how fast time flies...people say it's when you're having fun...but sometimes it's really only when you're just distracted with the things at hand. When I say the things at hand I mean the things that take up your time and send you on a journey, whether positive or negative.

I have come to a place where I want to acknowledge what a negative state was in for about a year and a half. It's really been a rough struggle of sorts. In 2011 I first encountered the worst experience of my entire life in 2011 - my first full-on panic attack. Before this encounter, I always assumed panic aka anxiety attacks were a thing of myth...as if it were an excuse that people just used to account for being lazy or overly timid. But no, it is a real and very life-threatening scary experience...let me tell you...no joke...

...your heart suddenly begins at a rhythm that you didn't know existed...and your body starts to numb - starting with your stomach and moving rapidly up into your arms and following furthermore to your neck and face...to the point where you truly believe that you are either about to go unconscious or that you are about to have a heart attack. Physical manifestations are so intensely real that you believe it with your mind as well - and vice versa...you believe you are in danger with your mind to the point that it affects your physicality.

After a few months of experiencing extreme anxiety, I began to research the realities of this particular complex...and come to find out, it is all around me but SILENCED. From what I've heard, 1 out of 4 people experience something as serious as I have felt, and I am dumbfounded that it is still looked on as a joke. After experiencing what I have, I believe it is something to be looked at more seriously in the medical world. It is crazy to me that emotional and mental stress can actually manifest itself so physically; and let me say this is just another complete reason why I believe in God...but that's a whole 'nother story.

I have felt so helpless...and so alone for a couple years now, just because of my "anxiety" and the weakness that comes with it. In some cases I have come to the point where I feel like I'm completely crazy, but the people that love me most have always brought me back to my senses and re-instate the fact that I am still beautiful, normal and special for the way that I truly am. I just can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional being who feels the weight of certain decisions, love, consequences and morals. I am still me...as happy as I am...just with a bit of confidential regression.

I thank God every day for the beauty of life and for any extra day more that he/she allows me to continue on the amazing journey of life. Nature - the wind, the sunlight, the ocean, the trees; then with human influences - music, dance, art...all of this is beautiful to me. I will take any extra day he/she gives me and for any extra piece of beauty that I could possibly add to someone else's life...that is really my goal in life.

One random SIMPLE thing I heard recently affected me so much...and I thank whoever was the first person to say this... "If you were truly crazy, you wouldn't think you were." My hopes are that whoever reads this can find a sense of hope and inspiration that life really does go on even through hardships. Love can carry you through things you didn't even know where possible. Love is amazing. Continue on your journey and be strong even if you feel completely weak...eventually you can make it! I am finally getting to the point where I believe this myself. Thank you God.

Meet Joe Black

Path to the Moon

I believe it was my Junior year of college that I discovered the movie Meet Joe Black and it's musically stunning film score by Thomas Newman.  The movie and film score instantly became favorites of mine, and Thomas Newman became my favorite film score composer...from there I discovered he had also scored other favorites such as American Beauty, The Shawshank Redemption and Little Women.  For some reason, Newman unveils a beautiful angst, melancholy and melodiously unique sound in his music that continues to capture me again and again.  His compositions always make movies just that much stronger.


Sometimes I feel as if music can influence so deeply, and it also connects certain types of people together with similar interests and feelings.  Have you ever heard a song that seems to bare your very soul and thoughts?  Have you ever met someone that you can discuss a song or piece of music with and connect on another level because you both understand it and feel it the same way?  It's quite magical...

A Place of Zen - Part I

I sit quietly near the edge of a rocky plateau with my legs gently folded in front of me.  The rugged outdoors surround me and I can see the landscape below the cliffs.  The plateau slopes gradually down around me, so I am at the highest area.  It is morning, but the sun isn't quite up yet....just a slight glow in the sky.  Down below the plateau - in front of me, there is a river flowing over rocks.  The river curves around through the flat earth of the desert landscape.  I imagine there is a place like this somewhere in Arizona or Utah, but I've never been there.  I breath in the fresh air...scents of Juniper trees and the earth floor fill my lungs.


Then, a glimmer of light breaks over the distant hills...the sun is rising.  I stand and look out over the great expanse.  The sky becomes a warm golden color as light rays begin to streak across the horizon.  A very light breeze touches my body and wisps gently past me into oblivion.  It is quiet, but there is so much to take in around me - worries and thoughts drift away.  A feeling of freedom washes over me.  I am at perfect peace.


For now, this place is only a figment of my imagination.  But someday I would like to actually go there - I don't doubt that such a place exists.


Where would you be when completely at peace?  Or rather, what place gives you that state of perfect peace?  If you can imagine that place, have you been there? - or is it a contrived place from somewhere within your mind?  And what triggers you to think of this place?  For some people it's daydreaming, for some it's meditation, or perhaps it's just a "travel bug".  If you haven't found a place of peace, I encourage you to search for one.

The Last Bit...

It's my lunch break, and my stomach growls as I microwave my Amy's Macaroni & Cheese...mmmm.  It's Monday...but not just any Monday...my last Monday working in my current job position.

I love many parts of my job - working with the photographers and artists, retouching, color-correcting, graphic design, you name it.  Then there are parts that I don't care for as much.  There are many elements that contribute to making one feel a sense of contentment (or discontentment) in the workplace.  And then sometimes, you just need to move on...on to bigger and better, or a least, different.  Several years and I feel like I've learned everything there is to learn and know everything there is to know here...time to move forward into a new avenue that will continue to educate me in other areas.

I want progressive, I want innovative, I want positive and I want active!  Is that too much to ask?  I certainly don't think so.  So is it back to being a starving artist?  Well first of all, I never graduated from the the starving artist position.  Maybe it will be even tougher now...probably...oh well.  I would rather be happy on the inside and have little luxury.

So instead of being afraid, this is a positive step that will take me in the right direction...I really believe that.  The distance is dim, but it will all make sense eventually.  Sometimes you can't just wait around for things to happen...sometimes you just have to go for it!

Just Curious...

...having a very thoughtful night...listening to some great Hans Zimmer music from the Inception soundtrack.  People that say instrumental music is meaningless for the lack of words couldn't be more wrong.  Sounds, chords, combinations of instruments can indeed provoke an array of emotions and thoughts...it's very powerful.

Now my thoughts...I'm wondering what I do for this world...what am I doing that is selfless?  Do I do everything for myself?  After having an end to a busy week, I'm wondering if all that I have accomplished actually means anything to anyone...and I don't mean that in terms of wanting to get recognition or feedback - but seriously, what could I do to be a more positive influence on those around me?  And furthermore, who could really use my help?  And what kind of help would that be?  And would the help that I provide be completely selfless - not wanting anything in return...not in even the smallest form.

I suppose I could find the answers by looking to photography - what things grab my attention and scream for me to take a photo?  What I've found - the details that are overlooked - that is where I find beauty and that is what I feel the urge to capture and share.  So maybe in life - I need to look closer...something might be right in front of me that could use my help...something to think about.