I have come to a place where I want to acknowledge what a negative state was in for about a year and a half. It's really been a rough struggle of sorts. In 2011 I first encountered the worst experience of my entire life in 2011 - my first full-on panic attack. Before this encounter, I always assumed panic aka anxiety attacks were a thing of myth...as if it were an excuse that people just used to account for being lazy or overly timid. But no, it is a real and very life-threatening scary experience...let me tell you...no joke...
...your heart suddenly begins at a rhythm that you didn't know existed...and your body starts to numb - starting with your stomach and moving rapidly up into your arms and following furthermore to your neck and face...to the point where you truly believe that you are either about to go unconscious or that you are about to have a heart attack. Physical manifestations are so intensely real that you believe it with your mind as well - and vice versa...you believe you are in danger with your mind to the point that it affects your physicality.
After a few months of experiencing extreme anxiety, I began to research the realities of this particular complex...and come to find out, it is all around me but SILENCED. From what I've heard, 1 out of 4 people experience something as serious as I have felt, and I am dumbfounded that it is still looked on as a joke. After experiencing what I have, I believe it is something to be looked at more seriously in the medical world. It is crazy to me that emotional and mental stress can actually manifest itself so physically; and let me say this is just another complete reason why I believe in God...but that's a whole 'nother story.
I have felt so helpless...and so alone for a couple years now, just because of my "anxiety" and the weakness that comes with it. In some cases I have come to the point where I feel like I'm completely crazy, but the people that love me most have always brought me back to my senses and re-instate the fact that I am still beautiful, normal and special for the way that I truly am. I just can't ignore the fact that I am an emotional being who feels the weight of certain decisions, love, consequences and morals. I am still me...as happy as I am...just with a bit of confidential regression.
I thank God every day for the beauty of life and for any extra day more that he/she allows me to continue on the amazing journey of life. Nature - the wind, the sunlight, the ocean, the trees; then with human influences - music, dance, art...all of this is beautiful to me. I will take any extra day he/she gives me and for any extra piece of beauty that I could possibly add to someone else's life...that is really my goal in life.
One random SIMPLE thing I heard recently affected me so much...and I thank whoever was the first person to say this... "If you were truly crazy, you wouldn't think you were." My hopes are that whoever reads this can find a sense of hope and inspiration that life really does go on even through hardships. Love can carry you through things you didn't even know where possible. Love is amazing. Continue on your journey and be strong even if you feel completely weak...eventually you can make it! I am finally getting to the point where I believe this myself. Thank you God.
